Fight over cosmetic surgery, parenting advice from Care and Feeding.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

When my son "Zack" was born, he had big ears, which we thought he’d soon grow into.But by 3, it was clear that his ears were larger and more prominent than normal. His doctor told us that it was due to poor ear cartilage development, and wouldn't be harmful, but when Zack turned 5, he could undergo a minimally invasive surgery to correct it, which would take less than a day and only needed 1-2 weeks to heal. My husband and I didn't pursue it—we didn't want to make him undergo surgery for aesthetics, no matter how small the risk.

But now Zack is about to graduate 5th grade, and he hates his ears. He can't wear helmets without pain and has been teased for years. He was called Bugs Bunny or Dumbo regularly and had his ears pulled on by bullies. We have met with the school, switched his classes, taught him ways to stand up to bullies … but while his teacher shuts down teasing and his bullies met with the principal, Zack is terrified of being bullied again in middle school.

We will be moving to a new state over the summer, and I recently mentioned that since he had struggled so much in elementary school, Zack could potentially get ear surgery before middle school if he wanted. Zack was super excited—he immediately started asking how soon it could happen. But my husband wanted to think about it, and later told me that he's against it. He was made fun of for looking "nerdy" as a kid, and when he changed who he was to fit in, his self-esteem dropped and he felt like a fraud for not being true to himself. I can see that the teasing and loneliness Zack feels now is making him withdrawn and more prone to using negative self-talk, and it's clear to me that no matter how much we praise him and say positive things about his appearance, his self-esteem has taken a serious hit.

I can't subject my baby to three more years of bullying, embarrassment, and discomfort, but my husband only sees my push for surgery as me trying to change Zack to fit "cosmetic standards," even though Zack has repeatedly asked for it too. All three of us are miserable and Zack keeps telling me that he hates his dad and doesn't want more bullies. I feel heartbroken. Please help!

— Ear-ritible on the East Coast

Dear Ear-ritible,

In terms of the surgery itself, I fall more on your side. At Zack's age, his opinion and what he wants for his body and physical appearance should carry considerable weight, though of course it also matters what you and your husband think. I don't really see the surgery as being entirely about "aesthetics," as it's intended to address a condition that arose from a medical issue, if not an overly serious or life-threatening one. It's terrible to be bullied and the harms can be long-lasting, but even if your husband chooses to minimize those, you also said that your son can't wear a bike helmet without pain and other issues—those are legitimate concerns as well! Problems don't have to be life-threatening to warrant correction. I get that surgery is a big decision and shouldn't be made lightly, but I don't think this is as simple as "changing in order to fit in" or conforming to "cosmetic standards." It sounds as though your husband is bringing his own past issues to bear on your son's specific situation, which is not how this decision should be made: It should be about what's best for Zack.

While I don't agree with your husband's position on the surgery itself, I think it would have been better for Zack and all of you if you’d talked with your husband, let him consider the surgery and share his reservations with you, and at least tried to get on the same page before mentioning it to your son. Letting Zack get all excited about the possibility of a surgery it turns out his dad is opposed to has really put you all in a tough position. And it's hardest on Zack, who is bitterly disappointed and is now saying that he hates his father. Instead of blaming his ears for any potential problems or bullying at his new school, now he can direct that blame as his dad.

Obviously, it's too late to go back and try to get your husband aligned with you before speaking to Zack. All you can do now, I think, is keep trying to talk with him about this. I would point out to him that your current opinion split on the surgery is hurting all of you and your relationships, and it is hurting Zack most of all. Perhaps your son's current doctor, or the doctor who originally offered the surgery, can give you and your husband more details about the procedure and what medical problems it could alleviate. Maybe your husband will be open to reconsidering, or at least keeping the conversation open as Zack gets older. When he's 18, it’ll be his decision anyway, and I personally think it makes sense to defer to what he wants sooner than that, even if you don't do so immediately.

— Nicole

Recently my friend Amy made a new friend, Mary. I’ve met her a few times, and while we were polite to each other, she isn't someone I’d care to interact with more than necessary.I don't seek her out, nor do I invite her to social events. Mary has slowly become part of my circle of friends. She has made a few comments intimating she's upset that she hasn't been invited to some of our get-togethers, but she is in a very different financial bracket than the rest of us. The restaurants and events we choose to go to are pricey. I recently hosted a dinner party for my friends and their plus ones, and Amy brought Mary. I didn't want her at my house…